Life as a Pastor's Wife
by Lynette Kemp
The life of a pastor's wife is like a life in a fishbowl. The same is said of Hollywood celebrities and Washington politicians. The difference is that we pastors' wives in Bay City or Eugene neither ask for examination under a magnifying glass nor seek acclaim. The "life in a fishbowl" analogy may seem time-worn, but I believe it remains a valid comparison. However, while it is still true that the fishbowl is as crystal clear as ever, we fish are swimming in a changing environment.
As a child growing up in a Lutheran family during the 1960s, the church community was the main focus of our spiritual and social lives. My parents, my sister, and I truly loved our pastor and his family. We socialized with the pastor's family at church, and we invited them to dinner in our home. Mom always spoke highly -- never uttering a criticism -- of her dear friend who also just happened to be the wife of her pastor. This much esteemed lady lovingly raised three children while always in attendance at women's groups and church functions. She always looked immaculate, both in and out of church, and was discreet in all that she did. It is no wonder I put my pastor's wife on a pedestal to be admired and copied as the essence of Christian womanhood. As a matter of fact, I still do over 30 years later.
When my husband was a brand new pastor not so long ago, I was a little nervous about meeting the congregation on that first Sunday. I considered how I might engage in small talk when meeting individual members, and I tried to think of various tricks to remember new names and match them to unfamiliar faces. Looking back, I am able to laugh at my self-conscious anxiety, but I so wanted to make not only the good impression, but the proper impression fitting to my new station in life.
In the end, it really didn't matter that perhaps I lacked brilliant conversational skills or forgot the name of the council president's wife on the second meeting. It didn't really matter that I wore my "Sunday best" and everyone else wore shorts and shirts suitable to the mid-August heat and humidity. It didn't really matter because I was just myself, imperfections and all, and the people understood and forgave.
The secret to my success—or rather to my peace of mind—is that I determined early on to be nothing other than myself. I've discovered that my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ want to love me, and I want to love them. Through the true love of Christ comes the willingness to tolerate and forgive, overlooking the differences in personality and opinion. Through the love of Christ comes the desire to accept one another unconditionally as He has accepted us.
When I first was married, I was prepared to be the wife of an Air Force officer and never in my wildest imagination did I think that 17 years later I would be the wife of a pastor. Yet, as I look back at the journey on which the Lord has led me, I am able to see how He has prepared me all along for the role I fill today. In many cases, it is only in retrospect that I can see the hand of God at work. The role of pastor's wife has its particular demands, and I find myself drawing on my past experience to meet these demands.
Flexibility and gracious tolerance
My years as an Air Force wife taught me to acquire these qualities as my husband left for weeks at a time to far-off places or was called in to duty at a moment's notice. I have practiced these qualities often in the time I have been a pastor's wife because of the needs of my husband's parishioners. Troubled parishioners will phone my husband at 10:00 p.m. to talk long past midnight. Vacations will be postponed because of a member's illness or death. Holidays are always spent at home because these are the pastor's busiest times.
Birthday celebrations, Christmas gift exchanges, and other family functions are no less important, but we are creative about how we observe them and flexible about how to fit them in around church service, Bible study, or council meeting. It is a delicate balance between the demands of our children and the demands of the church because the parishioners are like the pastor's children, too. Patience is demanded of our entire family, and if we keep the mission ever in mind, we can maintain a normal family life.
Willingness to sacrifice personal privacy
A seminary professor's wife once told me of the time she was caught in her slip when a well-meaning friend in the congregation stopped by to drop off some pastries on a Sunday morning. It seemed this friend had gotten into the habit of just walking into the parsonage as if it were his own home. Needless to say, his habit changed without a word spoken.
Some mornings, after my three boys have left for school, all I want to do is sit in my robe, sip a cup of coffee, and read last night's newspaper. Other mornings I pull on my leotard and jump about in an aerobic frenzy to my favorite exercise videotape. In either case, I have been caught looking neither groomed nor glamorous by a member of the congregation who has stopped by to chat with my husband or drop something off. However, in keeping with my motto, "Just be myself," I believe the congregation will have to tolerate a few of my odd habits. They now know me to be just a regular person like them.
Jumping in with both feet when needed
As we prepared for my husband's first call, I told my husband that I had decided to take that year off from work outside the home and from any volunteer duties at church. I just wanted time to establish ourselves in our new home, help our children settle in to their new schools, and really get to know the members of the congregation. Plus, I had worked for the past few years to help put my husband through seminary, and I thought I deserved time to pursue hobbies and interests I been neglecting.
That was a fantasy.
Within two months, I was helping my husband with church office work as his unofficial secretary, teaching Sunday school class, and organizing a women's Bible study. However, having no musical ability, I drew the line at joining the church choir. Then, when a family left the congregation, a number of positions opened up in our small congregation of 50 members. By the end of six months I was interim church council secretary, interim newsletter editor, interim Sunday school superintendent, and interim Vacation Bible School coordinator. Either I was very generous or just a girl who couldn't say "no."
Eventually, most of these positions were filled by other members of the congregation, but in the meantime I had made use of my talents and previous work and volunteer experience. Also, by my willingness to take on jobs in a congregation where most members wore several hats I had proven my desire to be a real part of the work of the church. I also can truly call these men, women, and children my friends and co-workers.
The demands on the pastor's wife are as heavy as ever, but I find that if I meet them with humor, tact, and a sense that God's plan is at work always, life in the fishbowl is not a trial but a joy. I realize my limitations so I have made it a rule that I avoid giving advice and defer theological questions to my husband, but I can make a contribution in my own way with the talents God has given me. Raising my family remains top priority, and if I cannot attend a church function because one of my sons is ill or has a school program, I don't feel guilty. Yes, it is true that there are sacrifices that must be made as a pastor's wife, but I have gained sevenfold.