Setting Priorities: The Pastor's Family Life
by Rev. Mark Grunst
. . . One who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?). — I Timothy 3:45 (NASB)
So you want to be a pastor and take care of God's church? Then take some time to ponder these thoughts.
First, continue to date, converse, hug, hold, chase and enjoy your wife. Your time is much in demand. Take charge of your time and demand from yourself that the one to whom you said, with love hearts in your eyes, "I do", is the one whom you will dedicate time to be with even while working as a pastor. She will feel the pinch and neglect if you spend too much time with the congregation. Learn to differentiate between meetings that may have nothing to do with church and the true understanding of the church as the place where the sins of believers are daily and richly forgiven.
Once a wife divorced her husband who was also the pastor of a congregation. The reason was that he became so involved in "taking care of the church" that he neglected to take care of his bride. He did not spend any time with her and their children. This true-life occurrence has taken place more than once. Be up front with the congregation and let them know that you will prioritize time to be with her.
Second, how does a pastor rule his family well? Ruling can be a dictatorship in which you might demand that your children be the perfect models for everyone to see. And your children will feel this burden of being held up for everyone to see and may also voice this concern when you apply the pressure to them to be "active" in everything at the church. This is not ruling well.
Another manner of ruling is confessing sins and absolving sins of your children. A father who is generous, kind, gentle and also asks for his children's forgiveness when he has sinned against them rules with power which is light and easy to bear.
My father did this for my brother at a time when I thought that he was going to truly let my brother have it. He was dead drunk and underage to boot and in his car. Instead, my father allowed my brother to ponder what he had done. And then he forgave him. This made my mouth hit the floor, but I have never forgotten his gracious ruling with my brother. How often have we ever heard, "I love my father because he forgives me." Not often enough!
Third, talk in the words of the catechism with your wife and children. The catechism (The Ten Commandments, The Creed and the Lord's Prayer) is not only to be rote memory work, but actual conversation pieces for the pastor as he enjoys his family. "Isn't your mother a wonderful creation of God the Father?" "Did you know that Jesus died on the cross for your brother, the one who has made you upset?" You will know you have left an impression when your daughter comes back to you in high school and states concerning her friends, "You know Dad, they don't get the work of the Holy Spirit. We cannot make ourselves to be Christians, according to the Third Article of the Creed. Huh, Dad?"
How do you know when you are ruling your family well? When you can sit down at the end of each day and recall the words and activities of your wife and children and thank God for each one of them as precious gifts to you. On the other hand, you will know if your household ruling is lacking when your wife and children begin to leave you notes in which they speak of having known you in the past.
Recall the lyrics, "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon, when you coming home Dad, I don't know when, but we'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then." Procrastinate concerning time with your family and you might as well kiss your family good-bye. And if you don't spend time with them, how can you take care of God's church? After all, they are part of God's church with which you are given the privilege to practice what you preach.
Enjoy your family and let the congregation see and appreciate your love and compassion for your wife and children. Allow the congregation to see that you and your wife still can keep the flame not just flickering but burning bright. Schedule time to be with your children at their school events, their sports events, their birthday parties and even special times when the reason is that you just want to be with them. Enjoy these times of family life and the congregation will enjoy you more as their pastor, because the manner in which you rule your household will also be the manner in which you rule the church of God under your care.
Enjoy your family life.